12:10am Sunday December 6, 2008

I like myself better as a blond. I really do...I feel more attractive, I feel like other people notice me more, I truly believe the saying, blonds have more fun. But--I get so tired of having to highlight my hair every other month or whatever (and lets face it...I only really highlight it before the summer and become lazy the rest of the year). So---I have been sporting brown hair for awhile. I don't hate my brown hair...but I don't feel like myself when I wear brown hair...

This entry is not going to be all superficial and about hair color...it is just the segway to where I am going.

Lately I have not felt myself...more like I haven't felt like myself since Josh was born. I know that having a kid completely changes your entire world and nothing is ever the same again...but I miss the person I once was. I now fear that the women in my social group at church will judge me if I am my total and complete self around them (and if you know me I generally do not care what other people think about me). Because of this fear...I have a hard time getting close to anyone...generally because I do not want to form a friendship just to be left alone. I became pretty close friends with two women this year....and they both moved away. I had a best friend through middle school and high school and then poof...college hits and she is gone forever. She didnt even live in the same state as me during the last three years of high school, but we kept in touch, I visited her twice, she lived with me the summer before college...we get to college and basically lose all contact. I know her email address...I email her from time to time, I know that she has three kids (holy hell!! She IS the same age as me...) but that is about it. (And I had other best friends in high school other than this particular person...but they are amazingly still in my life in some way, shape or form...which is amazing...we just are at different places in our lives, states or whatever...so getting together is not always easy)

I just miss the closeness of a best friend...someone reliable...someone who will be there for you NO MATTER WHAT! Someone who will accept me for who I am..especially because I am NOT always nice...and I say what is on my mind...and I can be mean...but I can also be SO caring...NEVER judgemental(believe me...I have enough guilt in my life to EVER consider judging someone else for what they do)...the type that will help if needed, chat until 2 in the morning (as long as it is important) etc. I feel like there is no point in even trying to be close friends with anyone at church because no one even wants to be friends with me. I am always the one to call to hang out...unless it is a playgroup type thing. I understand mom's are busy (believe me...running a small company and staying home with Josh is sometimes enough for me to just lock myself up in a room when he is down for a nap) but why can't I EVER get a phone call from one of these ladies saying...let's hang out...or let's go to lunch?? I can't possibly be the only one ever reaching out...or can I??

I have been blessed immensely in my life. I have good health, a husband that would do anything for me, a sweet and funny little boy who is also healthy, a roof over my head, food in my belly and clothes on my back.

But

I have also experienced great pain. I lost my father when I was eight years old to cancer....and really...I lost my father far before that....he was sick my entire life. I don't even know what are real memories and what are memories of memories (meaning home videos that I have watched over and over again). When he died...my mom went into hibernation for like 4 years. So, that day I lost both parents. I do remember the day my father died vividly in my mind. He died May 11, 1992. I remember that he spoke in church the day before...and he seemed like he was healthy. He was sick the next day and did not go to work (I dont think). I was not allowed to see him that day, but I heard him coughing a lot throughout the day. I remember my mom saying that she needed to go check on him (I believe Megan and I were watching tv at this time). But then the phone rang and it was Ga Ga (my mom's mom) so she spoke to her before going upstairs to check on my dad. Once she got off the phone, she checked on him...and then came rushing downstairs...at that point she told me to go outside and get my brothers (Ian and Josh). They were throwing around a football. I told them that they needed to go inside and do CPR on dad...they laughed at me and told me to stop playing tricks...but I believe they saw the seriousness in my eyes as the tears started to swell up. At that point...I dont remember much actually. I know that my brother Ian did CPR on him. I was not upstairs to witness it. I believe my mom told me to go to my neighbor's house.

When the ambulance came, they took my dad out of our house already in a body bag basically. I remember hugging tightly to my mom on the side of the house as they pulled him out of the house....and that was it...the rest of my life as I knew it was going to be different.

There were many positives of my dad's life with cancer. The doctor's told him he only had like six months to live...but he lived a good seven years. He was too weak to walk at one point...but he worked up the strength again to walk...and was able to baptize me. I don't EVER remember my dad feeling sorry for himself or even talking about his sickness. I remember his voice...oh to hear his voice again.

I have suppressed my sadness for so long...hiding behind the image of a class clown, someone who can make fun of herself and laugh with others as they do too. My father has been gone for over 16 years, and I am crying more about it now then I have ever. I always wonder how I would have been if he had not died. Would I have been a quitter? I was a ballerina when I was younger...I was a gifted swimmer...I quit both (though I did pick up swimming again in high school...but I was not as good as I could have been if I did it all throughout my life). Would I have had the trust issues that I had? Would I be able to relate to people better? I know that his life and death helped shape me to be the person I am today...but sometimes the pain of his death can be so unbearable...even now, 16 years later.

I have harsh critics all around me...he only see my outer layer...and judge me instantly because of that. These are mainly people in Sweden who have only known me in high stress situations and don't see the day to day person that I truly am. Patric made the mistake, while we were in a horrible fight, to let me know what some of his friends/family thought of me...let me tell you, whether they were right or not, it never hurt me so much in my life...and I have a hard time not emailing or calling each of them up to give them a little insight into why I am the way I am.

Anyways...this post is going to go on all night if I don't stop. I do feel liberated in writing these thoughts...even if no one ever reads them...at least they are there for me.